just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
