Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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