i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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