that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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