he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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