There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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