I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm too high and old for this...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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