my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
