So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
