So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
