Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
