i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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