I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
