You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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