i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
