Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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