just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
