He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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