I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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