420 ftw
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
