I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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