In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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