Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
