My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
