Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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