dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Pooping to opera.
Two words: nipple clamps
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