You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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