Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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