Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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