I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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