Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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