Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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