no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
