Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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