Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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