If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
