you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
