the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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