I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
