After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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