Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
