So drunk its hurt
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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