No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
this is an emotional support booty call
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
