i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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