Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
