I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
