My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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