He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize