yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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