I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
