people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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