The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
