Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
