She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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