i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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