Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
