I'm pants shitting drunk right now
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
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So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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