mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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