May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
